Discussion in 'Portugal: NSR' started by vilafria, Aug 1, 2010.
Staring or waiting for the zipper to give way
^^ She looks like Snooki's long lost twin.
Holiday's rippin' offs hall of shame contender
WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS
This one is priceless. A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: March 15 2012
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
ahahhahahahaha that one im have to steal lol
A sad story about this girl that I've heard
The Buttocks A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After All, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful Beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?' 'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mama kiss you on the cheek.'
An IRISH Engineer friend of mine, just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof.
Wise Italian Grandpa
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'
SEVEN DEGREES OF BLONDE......................
> FIRST DEGREE
> A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
> at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
> listened a moment and said 'How should I know; that's 200 miles
> from here!' and hung up.
> The husband said, 'Who was that?'
> The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
> SECOND DEGREE
> Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
> sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
> and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
> The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
> So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
> The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
> THIRD DEGREE
> A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
> buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
> door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
> angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
> overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
> The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
> The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
> FOURTH DEGREE
> A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
> She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
> A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
> The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'
> FIFTH DEGREE
> Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
> A: 'Is it mine?'
> SIXTH DEGREE
> Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
> Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
> Roe vs. Wade was about.
> Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
> George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'
> SEVENTH DEGREE
> Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
> ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
> reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
> and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
> As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
> ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
> sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
> home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
> they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama ) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.''Trust me,' said the doctor.So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.He held the can up to his ear and began to count!'1''2''3''4''5'( Pause)At which point he placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Parts of Georgia, Missouri , West Virginia.
With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours.theMinneapolis City Council has established a 'Women Only' parking lot at the Mall of America. Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons. Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota .
A woman is having an affair during the
day while her husband is at work. Her
9 year old son comes home
unexpectedly, sees them and hides in
the bedroom closet to watch. The
woman's husband also comes home so she
puts her lover in the closet not
realizing that her son is hiding in
The little boy says ''It's dark in
The man replies ''Yes, it is''
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens
again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together once again.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time,
asks the boy,
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to
the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have
a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you
sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to
overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those
two things cost. I'm going to take you
to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father
makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!''
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
TRIP TO ITALY
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain.
"This is the Staten Island Ferry."
The Sobbing Wife...
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he
would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and
demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the
druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This
morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went
without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd
locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break
a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a
speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store,
I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store a bunch of
people were waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the
time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I
had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the
phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made
me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on
it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally
got back to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked,'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.' The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'The nun replied, 'He went that way.'After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .'The nun said, 'I understand completely.' The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either !!
Separate names with a comma.