Mario Yepes' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. The only thing that can cut Mario Yepes is Mario Yepes. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Mario Yepes instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. Mario Yepes sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled defensive ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Mario slide-tackled the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Mario Yepes does not sleep. He waits. Mario Yepes once slide-tackled someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Mario Yepes built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Mario met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement. Mario Yepes is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Mario Yepes To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer, Mario Yepes smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. The chief export of Mario Yepes is pain. Mario Yepes is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. Mario Yepes won ‘Jumanji’ without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living daylights out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited. Mario Yepes lost his virginity before his dad did. Mario Yepes was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Mario omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of slide-tackle related deaths. If you can see Mario Yepes, he can see you. If you can’t see Mario Yepes you may be only seconds away from death. Mario Yepes doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. When Mario Yepes sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Mario Yerpes has not had to pay taxes ever. Mario Yepes can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”. Mario Yepes once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. Playing in Bordeaux for a French Cup Quarter Final, Mario Yepes brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and the crowd were amazed, Mario Yepes slide-tackled the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crowd once more that Mario giveth, and the good Mario, he taketh away. When Mario Yepes plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather slide-tackles to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Mario Yepes. His reasoning? It was more “humane”. Mario Yepes once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!” The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Mario Yepes–more than meets the eye, Mario Yepes–robot in disguise,” and starred Mario Yepes as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Mario Yepes. Mario Yepes recently had the idea to sell his urine sample after a match as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Mario Yepes. When Mario Yepes' wife burned the turkey one Christmas, Mario said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a slide-tackle to the face and said, “Never question Mario Yepes.” The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Mario Yepes' fist. If you ask Mario Yepes what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he slide-tackles you in the face. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Mario Yepes Mario Yepes has counted to infinity. Twice. Mario Yepes' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets. Mario Yepes is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ********ing Indian. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Mario Yepes, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten. Mario Yepes doesn't churn butter. He slide-tackles the cows and the butter comes straight out. Someone once videotaped Mario Yepes getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. Mario Yepes originally appeared in the original PES video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a slide-tackle. When asked bout this "glitch," Yepes replied, "That's no glitch." Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Mario Yepes once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Mario Yepes. Mario Yepes discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Mario Yepes is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Mario Yepes slide-tackled him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking. There are no steroids in football. Just players Mario Yepes has breathed on. When Mario Yepes falls in water, Mario Yepes doesn't get wet. Water gets Mario Yepes. When Mario Yepes has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women. When Mario Yepes calls high-rate phone numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out. Mario Yepes once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it. Some french people like to eat frogs' legs. Mario Yepes likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes. There are no races, only countries of people Mario Yepes has beaten to different shades of black and blue. When Mario Yepes was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he slide-tackled the store so hard it became a Wendy's. Mari Yepes can't finish a "colour by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red. Mario Yepes’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through. Mario Yepes doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear. Mario Yepes CAN believe it's not butter. Mario Yepes can divide by zero. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Mario Yepes has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Mario Yepes is worth 1 billion words. When Mario first arrived in France from Colombia, the French surrendered to Mario Yepes just to be on the safe side. While urinating, Mario Yepes is easily capable of welding titanium. Mario Yepes once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography. When Mario Yepes talks, everybody listens. And dies. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Mario Yepes calls this "a slow Tuesday." Mario Yepes invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Mario Yepes has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO. On his birthday, Mario Yepes randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun. Mario Yepes doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Mario Yepes throws down! In the beginning there was nothing...then Mario Yepes slide-tackled that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe. Mario Yepes has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth. Mario Yepes grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Mario Yepes" Mario Yepes ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. Mario Yepes walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building. If you Google search "Mario Yepes getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen. Mario Yepes can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds. Little known medical fact: Mario Yepes invented the Caesarean section when he slide-tackled his way out of his monther's womb. Mario Yepes doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint. It takes Mario Yepes 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes. You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Mario Yepes will find you and kill you. Mario Yepes has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way. The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Mario Yepes slide-tackled one of the corners off. There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Mario Yepes lives in Paris. When Mario Yepes is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them. Mario Yepes once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink. Mario Yepes can touch MC Hammer. Thousands of years ago Mario Yepes came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair. Mario Yepes played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Mario Yepes smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage. Mario Yepes is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a football tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly. Some people wear a Pele shirt. Pele wears a Mario Yepes shirt. Mario Yepes once worked as a weatherman for the Paris evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain. Simply by pulling on both ends, Mario Yepes can stretch diamonds back into coal. When Mario Yepes does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. Mario Yepes invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order. A high tide means Mario Yepes is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants. Mario Yepes keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one slide-tackle to the face. There is in fact an “I” in Mario, but there is no “team”… not even close. Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Mario yepes can change the laws of physics. With his head. Mario Yepes doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks. Using his trademark slide-tackle, Mario Yepes once scored 85 yard goal against Strasbourg from the edge of his own penalty box. Mario Yepes slide-tackles don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum. Mario Yepes does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold. Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Mario Yepes because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Mario Yepes' childhood story. Mario Yepes can slam a revolving door. Mario Yepes is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics for his native Colombia, even though Mario Yepes does not swim. This is because when Mario Yepes enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Mario Yepes simply walks across the pool floor. Mario Yepes built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door. The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Mario Yepes instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Mario slide-tackled Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter. Jacques Chirac's favorite colour is Mario Yepes. Mario Yepes eats steaks and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more steaks. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life." If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Mario Yepes would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period. Mari Yepes is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around him. The crossing lights in Mario Yepes home town say "Die slowly". They have a picture of Mario Yepes slide-tackling a pedestrain. The Sherman tank was originaly called the Yepes tank until Mario Yepes decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Mario Yepes, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Mario Yepes. Mario Yepes proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition. There is no such thing as global warming. Mario Yepes was cold, so he turned the sun up. A study showed the leading causes of death in the France are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Mario Yepes, 3. Cancer It's widely believed that Jesus was Mario Yepes' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Mario Yepes' skin. Mario Yepes did in fact, build Rome in a day. Once you go Yepes, you are physically unable to go back. Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Mario Yepes. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Mario Yepes. Mario Yepes once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way. The last thing you hear before Mario Yepes slide-tackles you? No one knows because dead men tell no tales. Mario Yepes doesn't play god. Playing is for children. As a teen, Mario Yepes had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Bogota. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1978 Colombian National team, arguablely the greatest team the nation has ever produced. Mario Yepes is the only person in the world that can actually email a slide-tackle. Mario Yepes can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. Mario Yepes cannot love, he can only not kill. When Mario Yepes was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Mario Yepes can actually slide-tackle you yesterday. Mario Yepes once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it. In an act of great philanthropy, Mario made a generous donation to the National Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research. When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Mario Yepes halloween costume he was wearing. In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of French women lost their virginity to Mario Yepes. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly. Mario Yepes invented a language that incorporates football and slide-tackles. So next time Mario Yepes is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Mario Yepes. Fear is not the only emotion Mario Yepes can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a slide tackle from Mario Yepes." Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Mario Yepes. Mario Yepes brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol. The easiest way to determine Mario Yepes' age is to cut him in half and count the rings. There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Mario Yepes finds it delicious. Most boots are made for walkin'. Mario Yepes' boots ain't that merciful. The Bible was originally titled "Mario Yepes and Friends" Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Mario Yepes doesn't like Fudge Ripple. Mario Yepes was what Willis was talkin' about. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Mario Yepes jumped out of a plane and slide-tackled the ground. It is scientifically impossible for Mario Yepes to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself. Mario Yepes destroyed the periodic table, because Yepes only recognizes the element of surprise. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Mario Yepes a giant meteor. Mario Yepes shot the sheriff, but he slide-tackled the deputy. Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Mario Yepes. Mario Yepes eats black holes. They taste like chicken. Mario Yepes does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls. As President Roosevelt once said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Mario Yepes." Mario Yepes just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure. Since 1976, the year Mario Yepes was born, slide-tackle related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. Mario Yepes invented the internet… just so he had a place to store his porn. Mario Yepes does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move. It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Mario Yepes' slide-tackle. Mario Yepes is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Mario Yepes needs toothpicks. "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Mario Yepes calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard. When God said, "let there be light", Mario Yepes said, "say 'please'." One day Mario Yepes walked down the Champs d'Elysees with a massive erection. There were no survivors. Before each PSG game, Mario Yepes is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the players he marks. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Mario Yepes. Mario Yepes once slide-tackled a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Mario Yepes glare will liquefy your kidneys. Human cloning is outlawed because if Mario Yepes were cloned, then it would be possible for a Mario Yepes' slide-tackle to meet another Mario Yepes' slide-tackle. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe. Mario Yepes once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough. Mario Yepes' version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel. If Mario Yepes slide-tackle' you, you will die. If Mario Yepes' misses you with the slide-tackle, the wind behind the tackle will tear out your pancreas. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Mario Yepes Mario Yepes puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Mario Yepes. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Mario Yepes while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic. Mario Yepes got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Mario Yepes. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long. Mario Yepes’ sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion. Mario Yepes can win at solitaire with only 18 cards. Mario Yepes once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten. For most people, home is where the heart is. For Mario Yepes, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls. Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Mario Yepes slide-tackles to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman. Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was slide-tackled in the head by Mario Yepes in Paris, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq. Mario Yepes doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just slide-tackles any cars that get too close. Mario Yepes does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound. Mario Yepes doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is. The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Mario Yepes' team-mates at Nantes as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case. When Mario Yepers does division, there are no remainders. Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Mario Yepes' basement". The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Mario Yepes entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar. Mario Yepes’ slide-tackle is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Mario Yepes bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers. He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Mario Yepes, dies by the slide-tackle. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Mario Yepes come off without a hitch. The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Mario Yepes in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off. Staring at Mario Yepes for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face. Mario Yepes can taste lies. One time, Mario Yepes accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire city of Grenoble. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Mario Yepes slide-tackled her into a glacier. In 2000, Mario Yepes founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of Colombia". If the organization's name were "Slide-tackle Drugs out of Colombia", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere. Mario Yepes can skeletize a cow in two minutes. The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Mario Yepes goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing. Mario Yepes' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors. With the rising cost of gasoline, Mario Yepes is beginning to worry about his drinking habit. The square root of Mario Yepes is pain. Do not try to square Mario Yepes, the result is death. Mario Yepes' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy. To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Mario Yepes. Mario Yepes has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one slide-tackle to the face a fight? There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Mario Yepes. Mario Yepes never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear. If you were somehow able to land a punch on Mario Yepes your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this? 70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Mario Yepes' weight is his dick. The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Mario Yepes took when he was younger. However, in Mario Yepe's case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano. Mario Yepes uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper. Noah was the only man notified before Mario Yepes relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean. Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Mario Yepes thrives on pain. Mario Yepes then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match. Mario Yepes eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Mario Yepes. Mario Yepes doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking. Fact: Mario Yepes doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives. It is said that looking into Mario Yepes’ eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a sliding tackle to the face. Mario Yepes knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Mario Yepes with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Mario Yepes cannot be in two places at the same time. Mario Yepes never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood. When you say "no one's perfect", Mario Yepes takes this as a personal insult. Mario Yepes can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard. 182,000 Frenchmen die from Mario Yepes-related accidents every year. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Mario Yepes beats all 3 at the same time. Jesus can walk on water, but Mario Yepes can walk on Jesus. All roads lead to Mario Yepes . And by the transitive property, a slide-tackle to the face. If you're driving down the road and you think Mario Yepes just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around. Mario Yepes never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His opposition never go to the dentist because they have no teeth. In the medical community, death is referred to as "Mario Yepes Disease" Mario Yepes was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost. If you work in an office with Mario Yepes, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch. In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Mario Yepes". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was slide-tackled in the face by Mario Yepes. The First rule of Mario Yepes is: you do not talk about Mario Yepes. Mario Yepes is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Mario Yepes isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist. When Mario Yepes plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy. Mario Yepes can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Mario Yepes is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he slide-tackles the Playstation back to Japan. Mario Yepes drinks napalm to quell his heartburn. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Mario Yepes always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a slide-tackle to the face. As an infant, Mario Yepes’ parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge. Mario Yepes once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told. Most people fear the Reaper. Mario Yepes considers him "a promising Rookie". There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Mario Yepes. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Mario Yepes carried his the same distance in half the time. Mario Yepes once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing. What many people don’t know is Mario Yepes is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath. Mario Yepes was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in Colombia, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Bogota to Barranquilla to pick up his dry cleaning. Mario Yepes qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the French Grand-Prix, without a car. Mario Yepes likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol. Mario Yepes uses tabasco sauce instead of visine. Mario Yepes’ credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out. Think of a hot woman. Mario Yepes did her. A man once claimed Mario Yepes tackled him twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time. Mario Yepes sleeps with a pillow under his gun. Mario Yepes owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout Colombia. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets. Mario Yepes doesn't chew gum. Mario Yepes chews tin foil. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Mario Yepes is on. When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Mario Yepes". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary. Every time Mario Yepes smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s slide-tackling someone in the face. Then two people die. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Mario Yepes asks for a body bag. There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Mario Yepes.... Just kidding, Mario Yepes is first. Mario Yepes starts everyday with a protein shake made from one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe. Mario Yepes doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead. Mario Yepes is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he slide-tackles into the air, so that it sprays bullets. For undercover narcotics police work, Mario Yepes pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest. We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Mario Yepes. It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Mario Yepes kills a lion. The word 'Kill' was invented by Mario Yepes. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'. Mario Yepes is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his boot. The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Mario Yepes” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish. Mario Yepes is his own line at the DMV. Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Mario Yepes. Then two wrongs make a slide-tackle to the face. Who let the dogs out? Mario Yepes let the dogs out... and then slide-tackled them through an Oldsmobile. Mario Yepes can do a slide-tackle faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on. When Mario Yepes goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul. If Mario Yepes wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you. Not everyone that Mario Yepes is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts. Mario Yepes has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a banned weapon in over 100 countries worldwide. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Mario Yepes’ first visit to Tokyo with the Colombian National Team. They once made a Mario Yepes toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody. Mario Yepes once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower. "Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Mario Yepes gets too hot. Mario Yepes’ sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter. After taking a random drugs test doctors informed Mario Yepes that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?" Mario Yepes doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares. When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Mario Yepes for help. There are no such things as tornados. Mario Yepes just hates the Mid-West. Mario Yepes’ Penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable 32nd-degree mason. Mario Yepes does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Mario Yepes. Mario Yepes’ slide-tackle is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye. Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Mario Yepes’ fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond. Mario Yepes once participated in the running of the bulls in Pamplona. He walked. The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Mario Yepes needed a back scratcher. Mario Yepes was the original sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel. Mario Yepes once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf. Mario Yepes once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich. For his summer holiday last year, Mario Yepes drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels. The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Mario Yepes‘ slide-tackle. They didn't even come close. Mario Yepes has banned rainbows from the city of Toulon. Divide Mario Yepes by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is. TNT was originally developed by Mario Yepes to cure indigestion. "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" by Drowning Pool was originally written as Mario Yepes’ theme song. Mario Yepes will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him. Only Mario Yepes can prevent forest fires. When Mario Yepes makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes. Mario Yepes’ dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours. They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Mario Yepes killed the cat. Every single one of them. There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Mario Yepes. Mario Yepes crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives. When Mario Yepes was born, he immediately had sex with the first nurse he saw. He was her first. She was his third. That afternoon. Mario Yepes doesn't say "who's your daddy?", because he knows the answer. Mario Yepes originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A slide-tackle to the face. Love does not hurt. Mario Yepes does. Mario Yepes once slide-tackled a salesman. Over the phone. The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Mario Yepes. Mario Yepes doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Mario Yepes kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants. Mario Yepes knows the last digit of pi . The air around Mario Yepes is always a balmy 78 degrees. When Mario Yepes wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken. Mario Yepes plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball. According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Mario Yepes created God by snapping his fingers. Mario Yepes doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood. Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Mario Yepes to kill you...Fourty seven times. Mario Yepes is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always. Mario Yepes had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people. Mario Yepes has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ. They were going to release a Mario Yepes edition of Cluedo, but the answer always turns out to be "Mario Yepes. In The Library. With a slide-tackle." Mario Yepes is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis. A man once taunted Mario Yepes with a bag of potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Mario Yepes proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move. Mario Yepes has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his slide-tackles are recognized world-wide as "acts of God." Mario Yepes does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Mario Yepes. Mario Yepes once had sex with a cigarette machine in the Osaka airport. Mario Yepes is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his boot. In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Mario Yepes, because Mario Yepes killed that man. Mario Yepes wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper. When you play Monopoly with Mario Yepes , you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive. Mario Yepes describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts". Mario Yepes once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Mario Yepes ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then slide-tackled the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire. Mario Yepes likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed. Mario Yepes can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time. Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. Mario Yepes does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot. Mario Yepes did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice. Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Mario Yepes touches turns up dead. Mario Yepes’ pulse is measured on the richter scale. Most people know that the famous French philosopher Rene Descartes once said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Mario Yepes.". Mario Yepes’ penis has its own parliament. Mario Yepes enjoys a good practical joke. His favourite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal. Mario Yepes CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand. Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Mario Yepes’, slide-tackling you in the face. And if you receive a box of Mario Yepes, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get. For Mario Yepes, every street is "one way". HIS WAY. Mario Yepes once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter. Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Mario Yepes heads outside and brands his cattle. Mario Yepes actually built the stairway to heaven. Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Mario Yepes’ kindergarten class. Mario Yepes once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower. Mario Yepes doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can. Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Yepes' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Colombian Necktie. Mario Yepes needs a monkey-wrench and a blowtorch to masturbate. Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Mario Yepes, expect an explosive slide-tackle to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk. Mario Yepes invented all 32 letters of the alphabet. If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Mario Yepes hears it. Mario Yepes can hear everything. Mario Yepes can hear the shrieking terror in your soul. Mario Yepes actually owns Microsoft. It was an extremely hostile takeover. He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Mario Yepes… dies. Mario Yepes is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants. Mario Yepes can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples. Mario Yepes neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whiskey, slide-tackles and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain. Mario Yepes doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma. Mario Yepes uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops. . People created the automobile to escape from Mario Yepes...Not to be outdone, Mario Yepes created the automobile accident. Mario Yepes slide-tackles people in the face first and asks questions later. When Mario Yepes was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Mario Yepes. Mario Yepes can sneeze with his eyes open. Mario Yepes successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by slide-tackling them in the face. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Mario Yepes is looking for it. .. Before sliced bread, people used to say "That’s the greatest thing since Mario Yepes". But Mario Yepes was displeased by this. So he slide-tackled a loaf of bread into slices. Mario Yepes’ sweat has burned holes in concrete. There is no Control button on Mario Yepes’ computer. Mario Yepes is always in control. Mario Yepes is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Mario Yepes is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox. Earth's emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Mario Yepes. Mario Yepes stared evil in the face, and it backed down Mario Yepes can split the atom. With his bare hands. . On Valentine's Day, Mario Yepes gave his wife the still beating heart of one of his opposing players. Being very romantic, Mario Yepes believes every day should be Valentine's Day. Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Mario Yepes shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas". . The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Mario Yepes’ left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard . When Mario Yepes goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money. When Mario Yepes is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon. . Mario Yepes can hold his breathe for nine years. . Mario Yepes invented the question mark. Mario Yepes has 3 knees on each leg. Mario Yepes likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he slide-tackles her in the face. Mario Yepes can cook minute rice in 30 seconds. Mario Yepes puts the laughter in manslaughter. Mario Yepes’ beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China. . Mario Yepes is not only a noun, but a verb Mario Yepes…..Mario Yepes….MARIO YEPES!!!!