The Pickup Players You Meet in Hell

Discussion in 'Player' started by Deleted Account, Aug 10, 2012.

  1. Deleted Account

    Deleted Account Member

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2004
    Saw something similar on a basketball forum, and thought it would be fun to do one for soccer. Some of these are US-specific, but whatever. I'm interested to see other people's entries.


    Johnny Laser Show
    Never misses a chance to rip full-force shots from 30 yards out, despite the fact that we’re playing with 4-foot-wide goals and a “has-to-go-in-on-the-ground” rule. Good thinking, ass.

    The Wall
    The s—tty yin to Johnny Laser Show’s s—tty yang. At all times, he’s planted directly in the middle of the 4-foot-wide goal he’s defending, thereby making it impossible to score unless you can figure out a way to quantum tunnel the ball through his body. I will gladly blast shots at this guy’s junk to get him to knock it off and play the game like a real man.

    Tony Longbomb
    Hmm, I could try to make that simple, logical pass to my teammate who’s standing wide open, 10 yards in front of me…OR I COULD TRY TO LAUNCH A 60-YARD AERIAL PASS THAT SPLITS EIGHT DEFENDERS AND IS AS LIKELY TO FIND ITS INTENDED TARGET AS I AM TO HAVE A 3-WAY WITH KATE UPTON AND SCARLETT JOHANSSON!!!!! JEAH!!!! LET’S DO THAT EVERY SINGLE TIME I GET THE BALL!!!

    Merdinho
    Refuses to pass the ball to anyone without a foreign accent and generally struts about the park with a smug sense of superiority because the best eleven players from his country happen to be better than the best eleven players from your country. This despite the fact that Merdinho himself can’t dribble 3 yards without tripping over the ball, gets winded tucking in his shirt, and generally bears as much resemblance to Neymar as he does to a space alien.

    Merdinho Dos
    Refuses to pass the ball to anyone without a foreign accent and generally struts about the park with a smug sense of superiority despite the fact that his country sits roughly 170 spots below yours in the FIFA rankings. Wears a Barcelona jersey. Sucks big-time.

    Timmy Rabona
    Has ridiculous, silky-smooth dribbling skills and knows every circus trick in the book. Unfortunately, he has zero game sense and is somehow incapable of putting the proper weight on a 5-yard square pass. Will invariably try to dribble past the entire opposing defense. Usually succeeds in beating two or three defenders before getting swarmed and losing the ball because everyone knows he’s not passing. Actually succeeds in dribbling through everyone and scoring once every million attempts. This somehow justifies his trying to do the same thing another 999,999 times.

    Meat
    Played high-school football. Two hundred pounds of rock-solid muscle, zero agility or body control. Goes flying into every challenge like William Wallace on methamphetamine. Completely oblivious to how the sport should be played. Leaves a trail of destruction everywhere he goes on the field.

    Joey Eurosport
    Rolls up to the park wearing gear whose aggregate cost exceeds the GDP of Western Samoa. Unfortunately, his TechFit jersey and Mercurial Vapors do little to mask the fact that he sucks mule balls.


  2. ajaffe

    ajaffe Member

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    You play 60 long yard fields with 4 foot goals?
  3. Manustriker

    Manustriker Member

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    HAHAHA absolute class man. I know we can all relate to these players. Especially in high school soccer
  4. Deleted Account

    Deleted Account Member

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    Dec 31, 2004
    Hyperbole. When someone says it's a million degrees outside, it's not actually a million degrees. Smh.


  5. JonIsAnOwl

    JonIsAnOwl Member

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    Think I completely agree with every single one of them, and I'm English. Not sure which category I'd come under though.
  6. La Magica

    La Magica Member+

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    funny thread lol @ Merdinho
  7. Skippysasquirrel

    Skippysasquirrel Member

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    Haha perfect! I just got home from playing and the other team definitely had 'the wall'!

    And our Merdinhos (um and dois) were this one awkward kid from (I think) Japan.
  8. Elninho

    Elninho Member+

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    Timmy Rabona is my single biggest pet peeve, especially when he's got a simple square pass to someone who's right in front of an empty net as so often seems to happen in pickup games. (Of course, the reason someone's wide open in front of an empty net is probably that the defenders all know Timmy Rabona will never make that pass.)

    I've been Tony Longbomb on my bad days, but if I'm on my game I'll get the ball to the intended target most of the time, and I do look for short passes if there isn't someone with space upfield.
  9. red & wite army

    red & wite army I ain't no drama queen!

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    --other--
    Good laugh this! But now I have a serious question regarding it...

    I played club football for year, way above my age-group, at a semi-pro level.

    Now I have moved to Korea, and played one pick-up game, in which I hurt one player with a hard tackle. I got told I play too hard, and should play softer. I completely agree that it was a rubbish tackle of mine, after so much time out, but it's a bit hard to adjust playing a full-field game with less agression as a defender, while attackers are sprinting as they like towards you...
  10. Elninho

    Elninho Member+

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    It really depends on the game. I just spent the summer doing a legal internship in Washington, DC, where I wasn't too familiar with the pickup games. The quality and style varied a lot. I noticed that the weekday evening games were very technical, with a lot of smart players, but people really disliked almost any physical contact. On the other hand, I showed up to a weekend morning game at the same place, and players tackled very aggressively; if that game were played with a referee, there would have been at least half a dozen yellow cards each way in the hour that I played. I also noticed that I hadn't seen a single one of the weekend players on a weeknight.
    BTFOOM and red & wite army repped this.
  11. Deleted Account

    Deleted Account Member

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    Yeah, what Elninho said, and in general, I'd add that until you're certain that it's going to be acceptable, you should probably just assume that hard tackling (even if it's legal) is off limits. To be honest, I rarely tackle at all in pickup games unless the attacker shows me a ton of the ball and I feel like there's minimal risk of physical contact. Most of my defensive effort is focused on intercepting passes.
    dwsmith1972 repped this.
  12. Deleted Account

    Deleted Account Member

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    Hah, you converted it to the proper Portuguese. Well done
  13. Deleted Account

    Deleted Account Member

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    It's crazy, man. Soccer is soooo much fun when your team is actually working the ball around and knocking it from player to player, and it's soooooo little fun when everyone is just acting like a jackass and trying to take on the entire opposing team on their own, without ever considering the option to pass.

    And yet so many people choose option B. I blame Nike commercials and the cult of Messi for making people think that the game is all about sick dribbling skillz, when it's really only like 5% about that and 95% about being able to identify the open man and complete a pass to him.
    Jaweirdo, USvsIRELAND, snahdog and 2 others repped this.
  14. Skippysasquirrel

    Skippysasquirrel Member

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    Yeah, the free Berlitz CD really paid off... lol
  15. OneNiltotheArsenal

    OneNiltotheArsenal New Member

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    Amen. This type of selfishness and poor quality of play is what's motivating me to train harder and try out for a semi-pro team
  16. paulo

    paulo Member

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    Feb 13, 2002
    Location:
    Atlanta
    I couldn't resist this thread. I have played adult pick-up soccer for longer than I want other people to know - and run into people like this from time to time.

    the locker room guy - the guy that shows up with a gym bag, towel, and sneakers changes at the field (complete with hairy back) and always finishes the game by changing back into his clothes, spraying deodorant all over himself, and combing his hair. Sometimes seen using the water fountain as a "bathing zone". I don't really have a problem with the way you play but man that's just annoying.

    the warmer-upper - this guy doesn't care if you are playing 6v5 and getting creamed. He "never" steps on the field without 3 laps and 15 minutes of stretching. Dude - after you jump in we are ready for the pub.

    the ref - the guy that not only complains about all contact on him but he "calls" all the fouls against his "team". Often known to chase down the ball while everyone is playing yelling "stop stop tweet stop foul!" pick it up with his hands and always asks for ten yards when you are playing with two foot goals. Has never seen the ball graze a shoulder or elbow without immediately calling hand-ball!

    the coach - now I may chat "a bit" during a game (1-2!, shoot!, man-on!, etc.) but I don't bring the team together after the other team scores and "design" a play or get the team "fired-up" and I usually consider it rude to "assign" a positions to someone else.

    The "Bo" - remember Bo Jackson? The Bo is the baseball/basketball player who also ran cross-country. He picked up soccer in his 30s or 40s and has minimal skill but can run all day. He usually shows up wearing running shorts, running shoes, and a tank-top. Maybe he's in great shape but he can't control the ball in less than 30 touches and 5 minutes.

    the thrower-inner - You've run into this guy, your're playing 4v4 with loose boundaries and after a defensive clearance by "Meat" see previous post the person chasing after the ball comes back and picks it up with his hands and throws it in (usually jumping) to someone on his team down by the goal.

    the woodsman - this guy never stops playing. I don't mean he's always at the park - I mean if the ball hits the fence, he plays indoor soccer... if the ball bounces into the parking lot he plays it off the curb. If the ball is in the trees and pine straw... well you get the point.

    That's all I got for now.
    Jaweirdo, USvsIRELAND, guignol and 2 others repped this.
  17. cleansheetbsc

    cleansheetbsc Member+

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    --other--
    a couple things you forgot they would do - 1) Always throw their arms up in the air when they do something wrong as to say that you screwed up by not making a run to match their moment of genius. THAT'S why they lost the ball. And of course 2) post-turnover, do you think they make any effort on defense? Hell no. Defense isn't beautiful. It is for American no-nothing hacks.
    Jaweirdo and Deleted Account repped this.
  18. Elninho

    Elninho Member+

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    I hate marking this guy. I really don't care enough about a pickup game to go out and pressure someone trying to put in a cross from the parking lot.
  19. Deleted Account

    Deleted Account Member

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    Those were great. The thrower-inner is a gem, as is the woodsman. It's like, OK, guy, I know there's no real touch line, but once we're half a mile away from everyone else and we're standing in the middle of a bunch of people walking their dogs, we're probably out of bounds.
    Jaweirdo repped this.
  20. Deleted Account

    Deleted Account Member

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    Man, #1 happens a lot, and it makes me want to club a baby seal. "Sorry, dude, but after your 37 step-overs and 52 pump fakes, I kind of stopped expecting the pass and wasn't exactly dying to bust my ass to show for the ball."
  21. Elninho

    Elninho Member+

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    Now that I think about it, there are really two types of woodsman. One will chase down a long ball and play it even no matter how wide it is. That's the LESS irritating type.

    The more irritating type is Odysseus. That's the guy who, when he gets pressured on the wing, keeps on dribbling farther and farther out to get space, even if that means dribbling into the trees or right through someone else's basketball game. It's especially irritating when he could have avoided his entire dribbling adventure by making a simple 5-yard backpass to a teammate in no danger of losing possession.
    HouseHead78 repped this.
  22. snolly g

    snolly g Member

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    encyclopedia brittanica
    takes pick-up soccer seriously enough to write a wiki about the kinds of soccer players you meet playing pick-up. (just kidding.)

    the accountant (a.k.a. deloitte n. douche)
    keeps track of score in a meaningless pick-up game.

    sgt. slaughter (deloitte n. douche's older brother; meat's younger brother; the ref's cousin)
    takes pick-up games wayyyy too seriously. barks orders at everyone around him. slide tackles like it's an epl match--or a wwf match. studs up, two-footed, etc. you're lucky if you can limp to work/school tomorrow.
    Deleted Account repped this.
  23. Deleted Account

    Deleted Account Member

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    *wincing*


    Great call -- I totally forgot about this guy. The best is when he holds up the game for five minutes so that we can figure out whether it's 8-4 or 8-5. Not a productive use of time.

    Actually, I really like the guy who fills this role in my current pickup game, and he's not a douche about it, so it's cool.

    Man, I encountered another good one when I played on Sunday -- the guy who feels the need to cheat during pickup games. First this guy (who was playing on the opposing team) started calling for passes when my team had the ball, which is a giant dick move even in competitive matches. Then when we were trying to figure out the score (see above), he insisted that his team had two more goals than they actually had. But the kicker was this: he was *taking dives*. Now, in actual competitive soccer matches, I (unlike 99% of fans) am good with diving as a natural part of the game and a mechanism by which forwards protect against getting the crap kicked out of them...but in a pickup game? With no referees? Who exactly are you trying to buy a call from?

    It was one of the most puzzling/irritating things I've ever encountered.
  24. Elninho

    Elninho Member+

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    Often this is one of the Merdinhos. Whenever I encounter him, he's wearing an Italy shirt... the Italians dive, and therefore he's better than you because he dives.
  25. Mi3ke

    Mi3ke Member

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    But the kicker was this: he was *taking dives*.>>>
    Maybe he is practicing for the real game?

    And don't forget the guy who hangs around the indoor rink all day picking up games and is so damn good that he tips the balance in a co-ed 3rd division game so badly that I would rather let him score his three allowed goals immediately and get him out of the picture.
    Not sure of the name for this guy, how about "A**hole".

    Cheers, Mi3ke

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