Saw something similar on a basketball forum, and thought it would be fun to do one for soccer. Some of these are US-specific, but whatever. I'm interested to see other people's entries. Johnny Laser Show Never misses a chance to rip full-force shots from 30 yards out, despite the fact that we’re playing with 4-foot-wide goals and a “has-to-go-in-on-the-ground” rule. Good thinking, ass. The Wall The s—tty yin to Johnny Laser Show’s s—tty yang. At all times, he’s planted directly in the middle of the 4-foot-wide goal he’s defending, thereby making it impossible to score unless you can figure out a way to quantum tunnel the ball through his body. I will gladly blast shots at this guy’s junk to get him to knock it off and play the game like a real man. Tony Longbomb Hmm, I could try to make that simple, logical pass to my teammate who’s standing wide open, 10 yards in front of me…OR I COULD TRY TO LAUNCH A 60-YARD AERIAL PASS THAT SPLITS EIGHT DEFENDERS AND IS AS LIKELY TO FIND ITS INTENDED TARGET AS I AM TO HAVE A 3-WAY WITH KATE UPTON AND SCARLETT JOHANSSON!!!!! JEAH!!!! LET’S DO THAT EVERY SINGLE TIME I GET THE BALL!!! Merdinho Refuses to pass the ball to anyone without a foreign accent and generally struts about the park with a smug sense of superiority because the best eleven players from his country happen to be better than the best eleven players from your country. This despite the fact that Merdinho himself can’t dribble 3 yards without tripping over the ball, gets winded tucking in his shirt, and generally bears as much resemblance to Neymar as he does to a space alien. Merdinho Dos Refuses to pass the ball to anyone without a foreign accent and generally struts about the park with a smug sense of superiority despite the fact that his country sits roughly 170 spots below yours in the FIFA rankings. Wears a Barcelona jersey. Sucks big-time. Timmy Rabona Has ridiculous, silky-smooth dribbling skills and knows every circus trick in the book. Unfortunately, he has zero game sense and is somehow incapable of putting the proper weight on a 5-yard square pass. Will invariably try to dribble past the entire opposing defense. Usually succeeds in beating two or three defenders before getting swarmed and losing the ball because everyone knows he’s not passing. Actually succeeds in dribbling through everyone and scoring once every million attempts. This somehow justifies his trying to do the same thing another 999,999 times. Meat Played high-school football. Two hundred pounds of rock-solid muscle, zero agility or body control. Goes flying into every challenge like William Wallace on methamphetamine. Completely oblivious to how the sport should be played. Leaves a trail of destruction everywhere he goes on the field. Joey Eurosport Rolls up to the park wearing gear whose aggregate cost exceeds the GDP of Western Samoa. Unfortunately, his TechFit jersey and Mercurial Vapors do little to mask the fact that he sucks mule balls.